blog, RELATIONSHIP

HOW DO YOU CHOOSE ‘THE ONE’?

I was wondering this morning about my ‘Dream Home’. What it would look like, on the inside?

What would the view be out of the windows, how big would the windows be, how much space would be in each room? How would it accommodate my family? As I thought of each member of our family, about their needs, the grown ups and the little ones, our holidays, celebrations, I created a picture in my mind of aroma, color and texture and I knew just how it would be, I could ‘feel’ it. I decided right then that my Dream home would have to be modeled from the inside out. It made total sense to me, its all about the inside.

After all I live and spend most of my time on the inside looking out! I don’t sleep on the driveway looking at the house thinking how great it looks right?

So bear with me, I am going somewhere with this….I started thinking about how we normally choose a place to live, what’s the first thing we do? We surf the web, look at a ‘snapshot’, we check out how it looks, how old is it, the size, the color, Is it our cup of tea?

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Many times, we can just glance at something and know that it is not what we are looking for, we already have a particular home in mind so we discard it. Next….

When we see one we like we may take a drive by! We check out the yard, the maintenance, Is the structure strong and sturdy? We look at the other homes around it, are they as well kept, does this look like it may be somewhere my kids could play outside? Can I safely park my car? We may even call a friend, do they know anyone else who lives around the neighborhood, what is it like? We do our research and then if it seems like a good fit we’ll check out the inside!

This is when things often change for us……we get tempted!

Most of us start out with a long list of wants and needs usually prioritized by the most important things first. So what happens when we start looking? This can all change when we walk through the door.

We love the outside everything looks great, it has potential!  But inside is another story! It’s not updated, YUK! It is dark and dreary, It’s run down, there may even be a few termites here and there! It has lots of dark corners  and you know it will be a lot of work!  Another problem, it doesn’t have a tub in the bathroom, it has no office space and you really wanted a vegetable garden, but it has potential!

Decision time, what do you do?

Do you cross it off the list knowing this is great for someone but not for you, OR do you start thinking of ways you can remodel?

Maybe if you added a sky light and some bigger windows, some major reconstruction work is needed but you really love the outside of the home so is it worth remodeling? Is it worth all the family time you would have to give up in order to get the home the way you want it? Do you compromise on the missing bath tub and take a shower? Do you work at the kitchen table and do you go without the home grown veggies that you had hoped for?

Decisions…..

These are big decisions, after all this is a HUGE investment! Is it worth the sacrifice that we may have to make and the work we will have to do? We check out the disclosures, we have an inspection, we are after all looking at the next 30 years of payments are we not? Anyone who has done it will tell you that a house purchase is one of the most stressful times of your life. This is why we make absolutely sure it is right….

This all makes so much sense when you are buying a home!

So … what is the point?

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With so much at stake, why do so many people not take the same precautions in other areas of their life? For example, when we are looking for a partner?

It is after all a HUGE investment is it not? Choosing the right partner has an ongoing daily affect on our whole life! So why do we so often ignore that….Why do we ‘skip the steps’?

What happens?

We see the snapshot, it looks like our ‘type’, we are really attracted to the outside but we haven’t taken the time to really check it out. Our hearts take over from our brains! It becomes a want! We ignore the fact it may not be a good fit!

We don’t take the time to research the neighborhood!  We don’t do the homework, we take a brief glance at the inside, It looks like it might work and off we go!

We compromise on what we had on our list, we disregard what was important to us. We love the exterior so we give up the ‘extra office space and the bath tub’! Pretty soon we’ll be sleeping on the driveway!

We go for a short escrow! Once we make plans, we involve other people and the whole situation becomes harder to back out of!  We ignore warnings from friends because of course, we know best!

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We end up in a compromise. We ignore that this is really not right for us, that it might be perfect for someone else! We overlook the termite damage and lack of maintenance, we think we can handle the remodel alone, we can ‘fix’Unfortunately by the time we find out we can’t we are totally miserable and knee deep in emotional debt!

So what’s the answer…. Why don’t we give this the same attention that we do to a home purchase?

Let’s see how it would be if we treated it like the investment that it really is…..

WE check out the snapshot, we like the ‘look’ of the person, they look like someone who might be worth getting to know better.

WE do a ‘Drive By’ and we take the time to check out the ‘friendships’ and we make inquiries about the place things they like to do.

Remember, you can tell a lot about a ‘home’ by the other homes around it. It’s the same with people, we are who we associate with!

Is it someone who I would want my kids to be around. Could I trust them with my car keys?

Are we ready to get to know them better?

This is where our list of requirements comes in..this is essential!

We have to look at a long term relationship like an investment; Not a financial investment but an emotional investment, your heart and soul are at stake here. Remember, you are going to be a part of this relationship, not sitting on the outside looking in.

First, lets check out the maintenance?

DO they take care of themselves, are they health conscious, do you or they even think that is important?

DAILY self improvement, are they spiritually fit?

ARE they well grounded, do they have good family roots, do they look like they may run at the first sign of a conflict?

ARE they financially independent or could they become a ‘money pit’?

Check for termite damage!

ARE they open about themselves, do you get a good clear picture of what’s inside or do you sense hidden dark corners?  Can you have fun, is it someone you can relax and be yourself with? Does it feel right?

ARE there things you may disagree on? Are they minor issues or would they require major compromise?

ARE they a good fit for your family? Would the relationship be a loving nurturing place for them too?

IS there plenty of room to grow in this relationship?

ARE there some qualities missing? Are you willing to compromise for this person and if so, what would be the cost?

IS this relationship really where you want to be, more than anywhere else in the world?

So you see, embarking on a relationship is just as important as making a home purchase.

Would you rather do your homework before hand or find out later that there is major reconstruction needed that you are not prepared for?

Not doing your due diligence can lead to compromise and unhappiness. Being in a relationship that you really don’t want to be in is hard for both parties, it’s never one sided. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with either person, it may just mean that it is not a good fit! Just like a home purchase, just because one home is not right for you that doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for someone else!

After all, there is somewhere for everyone.

A great relationship is a major investment just like your home! It involves your whole family, it requires work, time and regular maintenance and should be given the effort it deserves. It is the fabric of our lives, it is where our heart is, where we should feel safe and nurtured where we can have room to grow, it is where we build memories that we carry with us wherever we go.